#53: Setting Better Boundaries

A BRIEF MEDITATION

You're standing amidst a lush garden in Madrid, Spain. The air fills with the sweet scent of flowers. As you go inward, you weave an imaginary fence of healthy boundaries around you, creating a safe space. This fence is not meant to isolate, but to define your own landscape, allowing you to flourish and blossom.

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MANTRA BREAKDOWN

For many of us, setting boundaries feels risky. A double-edged sword. Saying no can come with feelings of guilt or fear of judgment.

Consider this: Setting boundaries is more than saying no to a dinner party, a commitment, or an extra work project.

It's a deliberate decision to not take on other people's thoughts and feelings as your problem or responsibility. It's understanding that the intentional space grounding us, helping us grow, and live more authentically... That space needs safeguarding and nurturing.

Sometimes a little. Sometimes a lot.

By doing so, we are prioritizing our inner peace, a sacred sanctuary where we are free to commit to our well-being, values, and personal growth.

Choosing yourself can feel rebellious, but it can also be the most transformative act of self-love.

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STUFF WE LIKE

Here, a Momentum team member will share a cool thing, tool, or concept that helps them experience more fun, flow & ease throughout the workweek.

"Having conversations about certain topics, especially when emotions are involved, can be challenging, to say the least. About a year ago, I came across this cool resource page. Talking Points for Life covers a wide range of sensitive subjects, like how to respectfully disagree with a boss or decline a request for money. This specific page provides you with helpful words and phrases to draw and defend your boundaries. It's definitely worth bookmarking!"

— Chandler P.

A GUILT-FREE GUIDE TO SETTING BETTER BOUNDARIES AT WORK AND IN LIFE

Setting boundaries is not something that comes naturally (or comfortably) for most of us. It can be hard to trust when we need them. And when we do finally express our needs, it's easy to backslide into self-doubt and guilt.

The following guide helps you deeply explore and overcome the emotional currents that make setting boundaries difficult. Go through each step, reflect, and act in alignment with what you need.

STEP 1. Identify a scenario(s) you're saying yes when you want to say no.

You feel immediate regret taking on an extra project. You say yes to events even when you experience annoyance leading up to them and mild relief when they’re over.

What situations leave you feeling drained or disempowered?

STEP 2. Figure out what's misaligned.

Why is your inner guidance saying no?

Let's say your default response at work is yes. What issues is that causing inside of you? Perhaps you value a level of spaciousness in your day, and this extra request throws a wrench into your schedule, making the rest of your day stressful.

In the personal realm, you may notice a family member tends to ruminate on the negative, and, while you care for this person, it impacts your headspace when you see them too often.

Taking this step to figure out why you don't like something clarifies not only what you want less of, but what you care about, such as your values and intentions.

STEP 3. Consider what’s keeping you from saying no. 

The tension between Step 2 (what you really want) and Step 3 (what you're afraid will happen if you go with your heart) is the cause of the dissonance.

The resistance could be fueled by perfectionism (My best isn't enough / I don't deserve to say no), social conditioning (What will people think if I say no?), or a fear of missing out (What will I miss out on if I don't go to this thing?)

Just recognizing the emotional forces at work makes us more capable of releasing fear-based resistance and acting in spite of it.

STEP 4. Set hard or soft boundaries. 

The time for drawing the line is now. Try setting stricter boundaries for the foreseeable future ("hard" boundaries), e.g., not checking your emails after 8 p.m. Hard boundaries relieve you of the extra energy it takes to decide whether or not to do a certain thing.

There are also boundaries that may change depending on your time and energy ("soft"), like generally spending most of your Sunday evenings at home.

(Note: These are just examples; your boundaries will and should look different!)

STEP 5. Visualize setting (and reinforcing) the new boundary. 

Imagine getting a request to do something that isn't aligned with your values or priorities. Now visualize saying no to that request, extra project, social event, hangout, commitment, etc.

Keep in mind: You don't necessarily owe an explanation. Your response can be as simple as "No, I’m afraid I can't take that on." Or "I won't be able to make it, but thank you for the invite!"

Run through this as many times as you need for it to feel natural, devoid of inner resistance.

HOW TO START

If setting boundaries is challenging for you, set a time (~30 mins) to work through this exercise. Journaling through Steps 1 - 4 will give you a lot of clarity on what to focus on, what you value, and what's keeping you from protecting your time and energy.

IT’S ALL GOOD (NEWS)

Here are a few stories that may spark curiosity and wonder. ✨

• 🐠 Creatures: Man Forges Friendship with Fish and the Pair "Meet" Every Summer

• 🧠 Health: Paralyzed Man Walks Again by Connecting His Thoughts to His Spinal Cord

• 🚀 Tech: NASA Unveils an X-Plane They Hope Will Save Earth

• 🕳 Space: New Black Hole Emits Jets of X-rays 60K Times Hotter than Sun